either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
