grandma shit on top of the toilet
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
