If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
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