Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
