There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
