i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize