My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
