The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
