now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
whose ass print is on the piano?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
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