if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
