Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
tequila makes me forget i have legs
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize