sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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