Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
