Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
We had sex on a dog bed..
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
