We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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