It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
