Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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