i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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