I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
