Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
