some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
