I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I intend to get homeless drunk
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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