Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
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