I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
