My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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