Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
