i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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