I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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