After last night, I could never be a politician.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
