My nipple is on Facebook.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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