I molested 6 butterflies tonight
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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