dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
