If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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