eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
