I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
