No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
