i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
