Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
