i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
