I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
