i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
