The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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