i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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