I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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