i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Randomize
