I skipped work to stalk him.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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