Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize