He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
