Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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