i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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