Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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