as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
