Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
