i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
