This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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