The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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