I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize