My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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