I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
