The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
