just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
