he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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