My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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