Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
