My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
