3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
