I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
