Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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