not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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